First dates can blow like Paris Hilton on a sex tape. As a guy, you’ve already got your nuts on the line because you asked her out. You end up with a girl with the deer in the headlights look for the entire date who texts you two days later saying she had a great time! WTF! You have the girl that double books and says “I have to leave now I have another date”. Sweet. Glad I could be the warm up act for the dude you’re really hot for!!!! One of my personal favorites is “I’m kind of seeing someone right now” girl. Then why the h*ll are you on a date with me instead of having wild monkey sex with him?!? Here is another one – I was on a first “date” (I know because I used the word “date” 3 times in the texts. I checked!) with a girl only to find out she was “networking”!! I somehow found the only girl on Tinder “networking”. Once again WTF!!!!!!!! Guys the ladies be cray-cray sometimes for sure!
My blog 5 Things Guys Screw Up the Most laid it down for the fellas on how to treat a lady right and survive a first date. Since I believe in gender equality, I’m telling you ladies to get your pretty heads out of your lovely backsides so you can find your Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper or whoever your latest Romeo crush is. Girlfriends turn off The Bachelorette and put down that copy of 50 Shades of Gray you decided to reread after the movie didn’t get it done for you and listen up.
The very very first thing you need to know is asking a girl out is terrifying and hard for one simple reason: NO ONE LIKES REJECTION. It sucks big time. You feel like you are trapped in an episode of Jackass and might get your emotional testicles hammered with a golf ball at any moment. So ladies before you go all Joan Rivers (R.I.P. you piece of plastic) on him and get hyper critical, remember it took a lot to even make the first move, so at least be kind with your rejection.
Getting shot down is as much fun as a Celine Dion concert with no alcohol. We understand not every woman is going to be into us but what stings are the absolutely ridiculous reasons why we get turned down. The single WORST EVER EVER EVER is “I am scared because I like you”. Seriously!! RA-So you are going to tell me that you find me interesting, you are attracted to me and you are curious about a relationship BUT because this scares you, the best thing to do is NOT to go out with me! Really!?! And yes this really happens!
Another f’d up favorite of mine is “I don’t date in my social circles.” So you are fine with a totally random Tinder date with a possible psycho axe murderer or even better – a lying 50 year old married guy who says he’s 35 looking to tap some young tail BUT you won’t go out with me because if we date and then break up you might run into me at a friend’s party and it might be “awkward”. Un-Freakin-Belivable! This shows me one of two things: you aren’t interested and you don’t have enough guts to say that to my face or you struggle handling your relationships so when they end you have to move to another zip code or enter the witness protection program to avoid your ex. Do you honestly think you are better off going to dinner with a dude from OK Cupid who is dating 10 other women just to see who will put out first (or how many will put out) instead of having a drink with a friend of a friend? Here’s a secret – your friends know him so you can get all the covert info on him!!!! You can find out if he has commitment issues or if he just got out of a bad relationship and is just looking for a rebound OR if he is a great guy who just hasn’t found the right girl.
Once a girl says yes it does NOT get easier! You need to find the dream first date for someone you often don’t know squat about. Well I know she’s into “rainbows and spontaneous mountain top yoga sessions” because she has profile pictures of a rainbow and her doing a yoga pose on a mountain. Too bad the Bikram Yoga Studio on Mt. Rainier doesn’t take in walk-ins!!!!! Figuring out what to do can be a job in and of itself. I had to plan a date for a girl with these amazingly blue eyes and all I knew was she liked boating, golf and was second place in her Final Four pool at work. I don’t golf, I don’t like college sports and I don’t own a boat! She seemed classy so I picked a romantic bar and showed up with a handful of tulips, in other words I was totally winging it! The bar had a string quartet playing when I arrived. I quickly realized we weren’t going to able to talk at all. Suddenly I panicked. All I could envision was the two of us staring awkwardly at each other for 2 straight hours while she clutched those stupid flowers. What was I thinking? Who gets flowers for an online date? What is this prom! God she’s going to think I am such a dork!
I AM SUCH AN IDIOT
In other words I was in deep sh*t and my first date was a disaster before the girl even walked in the door. A buddy suggested a nice bar across the street and I seriously contemplated ditching the flowers before she showed up! She arrived looking much prettier than her photos and I calmly (I WAS TERRIFIED) explained how I was interested in getting to know her but was afraid we wouldn’t be able to talk with the music and suggested we walk across to the street to another bar. I also said something like “I don’t normally buy flowers for a first date but it was such a nice spring day I couldn’t pass them up in the store ” (which is actually all true). Tulips were her favorite and I think she was touched by the old fashioned gesture. The rest of the evening went off without a hitch but oh my God did I have a meltdown right before that.
So ladies please keep all this in mind when you are sitting across from that cute guy from your favorite dating app if he forgets to ask you if you’re ready to order or just goes on and on about himself. He’s probably intimidated by how totally hot you look and he’s feeling the pressure because he wants you to… you know… actually like him.
Ok without further ado here are the 5 Things Ladies Screw Up The Most on First Dates:
- Give It Up!
No! Not what you are thinking!! Get your filthy minds out of the gutter! This is a classy blog.
First dates are nerve wracking so please, please, please don’t just sit there and stare at the table! Give us something to work with! Talk… say something… ANYTHING… please… we are so nervous it helps if you break the ice a bit. Men know they are supposed to be in charge of the date and there is a lot of pressure as a consequence. Engage. Put a little of yourself out there. Tell us something stupid that happened at work or how your roommate’s cat ate a tampon or almost anything. If you clam up it can be like extracting intelligence out of an Al Qaida operative and no one enjoys those dates. No One. The good news is in the beginning we really don’t care much about what you say as long as you talk.
Far too many first dates play out where the woman sits there looking adorable while the guy prattles on and on about how bad traffic was for an hour. Ladies you have more control over the date than you realize. When he’s prattling on about his boring job FOREVER say “Your job sounds great but I would love to hear about what you do for fun. What are your favorite restaurants?” or “My day at work was crazy so I would love to forget about work and just enjoy a nice evening with a handsome man so let’s not talk about work. Do you like to travel?” If you don’t give us any feedback we will most likely go on and on and on and bore you to death.
I was on a date and I was really nervous. I asked a girl to tell me “what her story was”, which I will admit is a poor question (told you I was nervous!!!). She got really embarrassed and turned bright red. It was SUPER awkward and I was sure it was going to be a dumpster fire of a date BUT she started asking me a ton of questions and was obviously more comfortable talking about me. She did NOT just sit there and make me do all of the work. Before you know it I was launching into stories about riding the range in Wyoming on my trusty horse Lard Ass (yes that was his name) and Christmas time in Paris. She was entertained. Her questions showed she was interested and was happy to be there even if she felt a bit awkward about talking about herself.
- Have You Sh*t Together
A HUGE complaint guys have is women don’t really know what they want or say they want one thing and then change their minds. If you are on a dating website make sure you are ready to actually start DATING. If I ask you on a date and you say yes have your sh*t together enough to go out with me! I know, I know. I’m a demanding a-hole about this stuff but believe it or not this happens to me and my bros all the time. Here are a few real life examples:
I’ve asked several girls out (THIS IS HARD TO DO REMEMBER) and they say yes. I pick a great place and get excited about getting to know them only to have them say “I’m not ready to date”! Hmm… seems like that would have been a good response when I said “Hey you want to go on a date?” I’ve also had people who were on a dating site tell me they were “too busy to date right now” after we went out a couple of times. SO you are too busy to date but have time to be on a dating site and want to go on dates? Honestly maybe if you are too busy, a dating app is really not for you. Just saying.
Story Time again:
I asked a girl out and she immediately said “I’m interested but I just got out of a relationship” and explained where she was emotionally. After thinking about it I said “That’s fine. I’d just like a chance to get to know you better. Let’s see where things go.” (I know. Smooth right?). We went on a wonderful first date (picnic on the beach with a sunset – like I said -SMOOOTH) but when I tried to schedule another date she wasn’t ready and didn’t think it was a good idea for us to date. I was disappointed but also impressed with her honesty. I recognized the courage it took for her to be so open, especially so soon. What happens far too often is a girl never communicates what is going on and a guy’s feelings get hurt because he thinks it was something he did and not the fact that the girl just didn’t have her act together.
One last freebie for you ladies on this topic: If you kiss a guy, he will probably think you like him and might ask you out on another date. It seems strange that I have to say this but trust me I do because this kissy-kissy then go cray-cray thing is happening all the time. I know of a few instances where this has happened and the next day the girl has been a bit surprised when the guy wants to see her again. You’re free to kiss whoever the hell you want. In fact I have a list of hot ladies that I would be more than happy to “allow” to kiss me, BUT just don’t be surprised when you’ve got the dudes motor revved up and his trying to take you to dinner. We are guys and when a woman, even a drunk woman, kisses us we tend to think you’re interested. In fact, I can’t remember the last time a girl who thought I was a total douche bag tried to kiss me! If you were just a little too tipsy or it had been a long time since you had a little action and your libido got the best of you, just know you can expect a pretty confused guy the next day.
- Would it KILL you to say something nice?
We’ve all heard of the legendary male ego. Our species’ survival relies on it. The male ego, coupled with his desire to have sex, enables guys to withstand the barrage of rejection that even the most adept Casanovas endure. This ego needs a little stroking every now and then so FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ladies can you just say something nice about us while you are on a date? Giving a guy a compliment for A LOT of woman is very hard, sometimes even after they’re in a long term relationship, which is so sad because there is nothing that makes a man feel as confident as a good compliment from the lady he is trying to woo! Here’s a secret about men: the more confident we are, the more fun we are. We relax when we get positive feedback from the ladies and we stop over-thinking every d*mn thing which allows our sense of humor (fart jokes) and silliness (more fart jokes) to come out. We let down our Man Shields. You know- the shields we use to hide our emotions and seem tough and strong which often just makes us seem like pricks and heartless jerks. Once these shields are down you see the cute little boy we all hide a bit, whether he is the Star Wars geek or the adorable kitty video lover. You know – that part that actually makes you fall in love with him. Often you are both so nervous the guy starts babbling on like an idiot about some tech bullsh*t and the lady sits there like she wishes she was home binge watching Game of Thrones. You both leave the date never really getting to know each other and then complain there wasn’t any chemistry! Chemistry takes a little fire and a good compliment can go a long way to spark that chemistry.
Ladies here are some options:
Compliment his choice of restaurant or bar
“I’ve always wanted to come here” or “I’ve heard really good things about this place. I’m excited to try it”.
Compliment his appearance.
Maybe you’re not ready to tell him he’s a total hottie and you want to jump his bones so try “You’re taller than I was expecting. I like that” – great when you meet the Asian tech dude who is actually 5’ 8” No offense short Asian Tech Dude!
“I really like that color on you” for the hipster in earth brown tones and brown flannel, a brown beard, brown hair and brown eyes. RA My god guys would a dash of color every once in a while kill you? Plum is NOT just a girl’s color!
The bottom line is you don’t have to go on and on about how he’s Dreamy MCSunshine but a few well-placed compliments will make him feel less like a total loser who is flaying away and hopefully put you both at ease.
- Stop Dating an Entire Area Code at Once -You’re NOT buying a dress!
With all of the dating apps out there and the ratio of men to women in Seattle feeling like it is 5 tragic hipsters to 1 single lady it’s super easy for a girl to go on date after date after date. A LOT of you ladies think this is how you find Mr. Right. I know you’ve been told you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. Total Bullsh*t. The only reason you should be kissing a lot toads is if you are a total freak who is into amphibians and if you are, that is SUPER gross!
Dating should be like a wine tasting. When you go to a winery do they line up 40 glasses of wine and tell you to go at it? H*ll No! Then why would you go out on 10 dates with 8 different guys in two weeks? All that does is ruins your ability to differentiate what you’re tasting and gives you a killer hang over the next day. Sound a lot like bad dating? Yeah I thought so!
Find a little out about the guy to see if you have some compatibility and some sort of a spark. Focus on a few guys and spend a little bit of time savoring them before you make a decision on what you like. You may have to spit a few back in the bucket instead of being a drunken lush guzzling down free drinks! If you are going out on dates with more than 3 guys (and that is really almost too many) all you’re doing is confusing yourself and you’re going to piss off Mr. Right because quality guys are smart and don’t like lining up to take a number behind a lot of jackasses. The confident guy knows he can go out and get another girl while you screw around trying to figure out if you like Juan Carlo, the chef guy, or Kirk, the barista fire dancer, or Lance, the tech boy wonder. A good guy will get insulted if you want to shop through the entire city filled with dudes with dubious social skills before making a decision.
You’re not shopping for a new dress for your bestie’s wedding where you go to a dozen different stores and try on dozens dresses in the process. It is impossible to find a real connection with someone this way. I went on a first date on a Thursday then we had dinner the following Monday which was a lot of fun, then we went out that Saturday which was great. So in 10 days we had been out 3 times. By date No. 3 we both had a good idea we liked each other and were interested. So stop going on 50 first dates a month. You are wasting your time and you are wasting our time. Try to choose your “wines” wisely and don’t get all drunk on the male attention because you will just be left with a headache and a bunch of empty relationships if you are not careful!
- You Better Be Who You Say You Are
I covered a lot of profile pictures missteps the ladies make in my blog but here is one more – You better look like your picture and be who you say you are. That means DO NOT have a picture of you in a bikini when you were 30 lbs. lighter from 2 years ago. You have just raised the bar to a place where I will be disappointed when I meet you in person. DO NOT post a picture from 10 years ago where you look 10 years younger (and yes people do that). Your date will show up and will be instantly bummed and possible a bit ticked off.
Also if you say you are single, be single and not in a “we’re kind of on a break” thing with your boyfriend of 10 years who you secretly want to get back together with but you decided to date other people since he screwed his neighbor last week. If you are available, be able to meet with a guy before the next Presidential Election! If you say you’re laid back, don’t freak out when a guy is honest and says he may not be that interested. Basically, don’t over sell yourself to a point you can’t cover it because it is just frustrating and disappointing from a guy’s point of view.
So to recap when you are out on a date you can actually CONTRIBUTE to the conversation instead of sitting there like the Queen of England as we work our freaking butts of trying to impress you. It’s a little old school but laughing at a guy’s slightly awkward jokes or smiling at him every once in a while goes a long way to letting the dude know you are not wishing you were watching The Real Housewives of Who Gives a F*ck and are glad he asked you out.
Stop wasting our time if you are really waiting for a text from the guy you ACTUALLY like after the date last weekend. Just don’t go out with anyone else until you figure out what is up with Super McHot Stuff.
Also don’t make yourself out to be a Victoria’s Secret Model who globe trots in her spare time when you are a single mother of 3 who gets down to Portland every once in a while. You are only wasting your time by being deceitful. A guy should want to spend time with the real YOU and if he doesn’t then he is not worth your time.
I know some guys are a solid 10 on the douche scale and it’s not easy for the ladies but let me tell you, dating for a guy right now in this shark tank we live in is about as much fun as a prostate exam by a doctor without gloves who didn’t properly washing his hands after downing a couple dozen flaming hot wings! Ladies, if you really do want to find a good guy and have better first dates you need to get your act together and bring something to the table when Mr. Dreamboat meets you at the bar or else it’s going to be like the last few Adam Sandler movies – a COMPLETE TURD of a date (I mean really dude what happened? You used to be funny!).
Please for the love of God MAKE A FUNNY MOVIE!
Now GET OFF MY LAWN!
* RA– Rant Alerts warn the reading a rant will immediately follow and allow the reader to skip ahead to avoid the angry onslaught of truths, bitterness, orneriness and downright cantankerous diatribes that are about to follow.